Lucys Blog

[Lucy]

Homogeneous of grotesque


These are the days I spend my time wondering.. who are my friends? Are they the ones who we laugh and cry with? But why do we choose them? And why do they choose us?

Qualities in people are valued and are considered vital. Yet, every day we forgive our closest for their faults and misdeeds. Are these qualities that important if we just forgive anyway? The loved ones in our lives are the ones who we respect and admire. What is admiration? It's the delighted approval and liking of someone. So, the ones we love are the ones that we approve of their actions with exceptions. And if we don't approve and accept, they aren't our friends because there is no respect. In ones life we meet / go through hundreds of people and we are amazed by some that go by. How do these people differ when everyone's life is the same? We all learn, laugh, cry and love. Our circumstances may be different but all is pretty much the identical.

What is knowing? To have knowledge about someone, just to read it like a wiki page and know the facts. Since forever people have been talking about each other, gossiping in fact and have always prejudged. We read each other and write reviews. But to know someone, we must know the way they think and how they develop their thoughts.

Taking this in to account, I realised that most people are the same and even if they don't like being told. Fair enough if you are sincere and trust worthy but I still don't know the way you think. And if I do know your mind and approve, I admire you and consider you friend.
Now 'honesty', doesn't seem that important because we are all players in life. We tell people the things they want to hear despite realism. Isn't that lying? We live in a world of denial, where people pretend to like their jobs and the people that surround them. Just to cope with life and be forever brainwashed in thinking everything is perfect.

Maybe I am wrong. I want to be wrong. The people who appear the same, may just be the people I don't know much about. I haven't given them a chance because I don't have an interest in knowing them. The people in my life at the moment are the ones I am concentrating on because they are the ones who are most important. Why bother with new people when I don't even know the ones I spend all my time with.

Even so, I still wonder who are my friends? The ones that I don't approve of their actions or admire the way they think. Ignorant of knowing anything more than their trivialities of day to day life. There aren't many people that I like or consider as friends but the ones that amaze me I love.

[Lucy]

When I was working tonight, I was talking with Leanne's girlfriend and she was acting like she was threatened by me. She told me everything that I had said to Leanne in such detail. Like she was annoyed that Leanne had actually taken notes.
I told her many things I believe and what my concept of love and life was. She told me her views and I told her I didn't believe her. She was offended by the things I described her as (being religious) because I was right. She found it difficult to answer my questions because I don't think she is in love with Leanne. She said that she wants to sleep with many women and she talked about how it was so wrong in the eyes of god.
That's when I was telling her how I think people can love easily at times. Because most people are the same, nice, kind, polite etc.. I was wondering maybe I do love easily.. and then I realised that the way I talk to people.. can be so mean at times. I either love someone a lot or don't bother with them at all. I need to make true friends who I don't have something with!

Before when I was younger I was the nicest girl .. on the moon (no one can compare). I would be the best friend of many and always kind to strangers. And now look at me. I've had something with most of my best friends. I wish I hadn't now. I am full of hatred and well I don't know. There are times where I like to think I'm being wrong, I'm being sinful and breaking the rules.

Well my point is.. what I'm saying.. Is that since I've been working with these people they have shown me a new light. My words to these girls are contradictive and I love them arguing me. Telling me what is right and wrong. I'm like a child, easily influenced and my thoughts are changing rapidly. Every night I leave thinking something different.

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Last night / this morning I couldn't sleep because the conversation with Leanne's girlfriend did really really bother me. She made me feel small, that I was wrong in every light of thinking and now I just feel sick. Before I left work, I asked myself:
"When did I sell my soul?"

I feel embarrassed of my actions and well, I just want to run away from the people I have treated badly. Not run away, start again would be perfect and amend my mistakes. I still feel sick. It wasn't even the words she said, it was the thoughts I had and thankfully I don't think I said everything that came to mind.

There are some conversations you have with people you know and NOT strangers for a reason. I want to talk trivial with them now. Just her anyways because she dents me.