Ami's Blog

[xxAmixx]

Every day i sit in the exact same spot, doing the exact things as i did the day before, occasionally there's a few varieations, but not many.
Today, im sitting by the window with a blanket around me watching the rain.

I have a blanket around me because im cold, so very cold. this morning i ran out of gas so i have no way of heating my house.

I used to think having my own place was great! Now that iv experianced it for some time, i realise its really not that great, there's so much that I need to worry about. i realise how much i relied on my parents. I understand now how much oif a hard time they must have had just to keep food on the table. I regret now, asking for anything i didnt need.

Right now, im having to depend on others to keep me and my family above water, its not how i like to work. Alot of people would tell you that i am VERY independent. i depend on me and me alone, i hate it when people try and help, sometimes, i even find it an insult, as if i need their help because i cant do it myself, which is why i dont like to acept offers from the church. I AM NOT A CHARITY!

Its been too long now that ive had any luxurys, i think i may go insane soon. This lack of money is sending me back into depression. My house is a mess, i dont see why i should clean alot when i cant afford to buy cleaning products.

How can the goverment leave me like this? I owe so much to my parents now, over £200 because they've bailed me out! They brought me three weeks worth of shopping which cost them £150, maybe then i owe over £300? I should really check.

I hope everything gets backdated, im going to need it to pay of my bank charges.

[xxAmixx]

This morning, i was reading Lucy's blog and it made me think. Every one really is the same, its easy to make some body fall for you just with words, once you have done it once and know the words to say and the ones that should never be said every man will fall with that one single conversation, and you will either distances yourself, to afraid to fall (if his words arnt the ones to be said) or you will also fall for him, you will argue and you will have your problems, but after alls said and done you still want him and crave his attention.
I guess the same is for women?
This girl you speak of tells you she wants to sleep with many women, but in the eyes of God, sleeping around is not right? This makes me laugh, she is already commiting a HUGE sin. In the eyes of God, homosexuality is an extreme sin, in fact the punishment for this would be to be stoned 49 times (it was illegal to stone a person more than 50 times, the punishment for this was to be put to death, so by stoning a person the left area for humain error (miscounting))

Although Kieran has hurt me so much and displaced my trust so many times, im afraid to leave him, although people tell me i deserve better and really should leave him. Its not out of love, im pretty sure i dont love him, its more the fact that i no, if i do leave him ill have no body else for at least 5 years. I cant live with that, ive become so adjusted now to depending on a man that i doubt ill be able to go back to being so independent, the way i was just 6 months ago.
Im so self conscious i need a guy there to make me feel wanted, even if it is just a short period of time.
Its funny how us women really do NEED men in our lives.